Negotiation Skills, Managing Conflict, and Handling Difficult People

The following information has been derived from a number of sources, primarily from:
Getting to Yes, Roger Fisher & William Ury
Getting Past No, William Ury
Everyone Can Win, Helena Cornelius & Shoshana Faire

The principles of negotiation and conflict management are based on the assumption that we value relationships and the people we do business with, work with, and the people we live with.

The skills and strategies discussed in this paper can be applied to the majority of negotiation or conflict situations. To develop these skills successfully one needs to practice, read and undertake further training.

What negotiation and conflict have in common

The obvious common denominator in negotiation and conflict is they both involve a relationship with at least one other person. Albeit the relationship may only be a short term one.

• When you enter into a negotiation or find yourself in conflict with another person, the outcomes you and the other person desire appear to be diametrically opposed. Otherwise there would not be a conflict or need for serious negotiation.

• The extent to which you have invested (time, money, emotion, ego) in the outcome of either situation may make it easier or harder to achieve what you want. It is unlikely to enter into a negotiation, or find yourself in conflict if you do not care about the outcome. In general, you already have an emotional, financial or other investment.

• The difference between a conflict situation and entering a negotiation, is that the tension levels are already high when in conflict and relationships may have already been damaged.

• In either situation, it is common that both parties see themselves as 'right', and want to prove their 'rightness' to each other. In this sense every negotiation has potential for conflict.

• If both parties maintain their position of 'rightness', there is little opportunity for resolution or for either party to achieve their desired outcomes. Relationships may be irretrievably damaged and neither party wins.

Definition of Negotiation

There are no formal rules governing how these negotiations are to be conducted, although there are culturally accepted styles or approaches for doing so.

Consequently, dealing effectively with either negotiations or conflicts requires similar skills.

Understanding conflict

Different Levels of Conflict
It is not uncommon for a minor conflict to escalate into a major crisis without even those directly involved noticing the signs along the way. People often ignore the early signs of conflict as they do not seem important enough to deal with. Some people work on the 'Peace at all costs' principal, however, this often has enormous long term costs.

The first step in the art of resolving conflict is to look for conflict clues. If you learn to recognise the early clues you can often save a situation from escalating into something more serious and difficult to manage.

The first clue is Discomfort. Discomfort is the intuitive feeling that something is wrong, even though you may not be able to put your finger on it. Sometimes it can be a sense that you did not say all you needed to about an issue, that there is 'unfinished business'.

It is important to pay attention to these feelings. Ask yourself, 'Is there something I can do about this?' If there is, act on it as soon as possible. If there isn't stay alert and look for another opportunity to do something about it.

A minor conflict Incident is another clue. Something minor happens that leaves you feeling upset or irritated for a while. Often these incidents seem so minor it feels unreasonable to make a fuss, and it is soon forgotten. At least it appears to be. These little incidents, however, often keep simmering at an unconscious level and the next time something similar happens the level of irritation increases.

Examples include:

• the person who is always borrowing something and never returns it without being reminded. The level of irritation increases with each incident until he/she borrows something that is needed urgently and cannot be found.
• The member of the family or household who is almost alway out when it is their turn to cook or wash up.
• The person who constantly uses up the last of the milk, but never buys a new carton.

The next level of conflict is Misunderstanding. Lack of clear communication or lack of rapport often lead to people making unwarranted assumptions about a person's motives, or a situation. Sometimes misunderstanding arises because the situation raises a touchy issue and perceptions of the problem become distorted. Often the person who reacts emotionally or defensively to a situation is unaware of the past, unresolved conflict which triggers these emotions.

Tension is another obvious clue. Your own tension distorts your perception of another person and most of what they do. The relationship becomes weighed down with negative attitudes and fixed opinions or positions. The relationship suffers and almost any incident can cause a significant rift.

A Crisis can result from such unresolved tension. A person may walk out of a job or relationship over an unresolved conflict. A crisis can lead to heated arguments or abusive behaviour. People are overwhelmed by their feelings and can no longer behave or think rationally. A crisis can lead to serious, if not irretrievable breakdown in relationships.

Crises usually only occur because people have ignored or been unaware of the earlier signs of conflict. The point is never regard something as to minor to deal with at the time of it occurrence. Early handling or management of minor issues will save much time and energy resolving them in the future if they escalate into something more serious.

Learnt Responses to Conflict
Not many people feel comfortable with conflict. This is not surprising as most people have learnt how to deal with conflict in their families, and few have positive models.

For many, family experiences of dealing with conflict have been:

• avoidance or withdrawal - let's not talk about it
• anger and verbal or physical aggression
• emotional blackmail - you never, you always
• inappropriate use of power - while you are living in my home you will ….
• passive aggression - eg not talking to one another
• compromise and giving in - usually leaving at least one person aggrieved.

Given that our early experiences of conflict have often been unpleasant, it is not surprising that most of us do not feel comfortable when faced with conflict in business or in the workplace.

Conflict may also elicit the same emotional reactions we experienced in similar situations as adolescents and children. Such reactions compound our sense of discomfort as we generally are not conscious of why we are reacting in a particular way.

Approaches to Resolving Conflict

Winning at another person's expense can seriously damage relationships which can be important in the future or in different contexts. Likewise losing can also have serious consequences. It can leave you feeling powerless or angry which can also damage the future of that relationship, or your self esteem.

Compromise can be seen as a reasonable way to go, but it may mean that neither of you end up really satisfied with the outcome. Often both parties end up feeling they have lost something.

The concept of a Win/Win solution may appear to be a cliche or impossible in some situations. It does not come naturally to everyone. When in conflict or approaching a negotiation we can choose our approach. Sometimes we may fail to choose and revert to a knee-jerk reaction. Reacting in this way is actually a habit probably acquired early in life. One of those learnt responses to conflict.

Withdrawal: If you physically or emotionally withdraw from a conflict, you no longer have a say in what happens. Withdrawal can allow a problem to grow out of proportion. It is can be used to punish someone. It can leave the other person angry and helpless.

Supression: This is often the peace at any cost approach. Supression can be positive if it gives you time to think about how you will respond to the matter. However, surpressing a serious conflict means you don't discuss the main issues and communication is cut off.

Win/Lose: This approach is often prompted by a need to protect oneself from being wrong. Win/lose is a power struggle where one person comes out on top. While it is sometime necessary it is rarely a long term answer. Today's loser may not co-operate tomorrow.

Compromise: Compromise seems fair, everyone gains something, but no one gets everything they would like. This potentially leaves everyone feeling at least a little dissatisfied. This can then be reinterpreted that someone did better than they should have. Compromise is often not the best solution.

Win/Win: It is generally believed that to have a winner, there must be loser. This is true of competitive sport, but it is not necessary elsewhere in life. In many circumstances everyone can win something. The advantages of a win/win approach are that you discover better solutions; relationships grow and become stronger; if you are going to deal with a person more than once, it pays dividends to deal with them fairly.